I Leave My Thoughts Here

Where I stand

cslowrey — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 05:08:21 +0000

I suck at being in relationships. I freak out 3 months in and screw it all up unconsciously. The thing is that I have no remorse until the other person starts dating someone else then I freak out. I think this is because I probably think I’m the best they could get kind of thing but I’m not because I turned on them. I don’t know why it surprises me so much when they move on. It hurts me so much more than I expect. Every time. But why? I didn’t “want” them, so why do I care? I guess after seeing someone care so much for you, to think of them caring for someone else in the same way or more sucks… That’s your moment, one else should experience that part of them. Plus they’re better because they’re not a bitch to them. A crazy.

I suck at this…

Teeter Totter

cslowrey — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 01:17:33 +0000

I’m in my little bubble, my impenetrable bubble. I feel like I’m teetering right now. School is in a decent place, my life is in a decent place, my job is in a decent place, money is in a decent place. Everything is protected for now. The thing is that I’m teetering. Things aren’t “decent” forever, either they get really bad, or they get really good. I need to make the decision.

School

I have pretty much put that one on the back burner, I’m making low A’s/high B’s enough to get by, and it looks like I’ll be able to get a job pretty easily. For now I get done what needs to be done and that’s about it.

Work

I try to work about 30-35 hours a week, making sure that I don’t have to worry about money. It’s really nice to go get groceries and not have to penny pinch. At the same time, I think I’ve gotten loose with my spending and need to keep an eye on myself because I could either stay on budget and be safe or teeter into minute debt, which is not cool.

Life

Oh life. I don’t know what I want. Actually, I do know what I want, but I don’t have enough time to foster it and water it and make sure it prospers. I will be gone in a little over a year and I don’t want to have to break something off that’s going well. I can’t take heartbreak drama #2. I am finally 100% completely over it and I’m happy with just being me, but at the same time it would be nice to have someone there to talk to, to do things with, to sleep with, etc. I don’t know, it’s just been a long long time since a guy has truly cared for me when I truly cared back, and I miss it.

So here I go teeter totter:

A’s——————————B’s

Spending—————————-Saving

Single———————————Relationship

I teeter and I totter, time will only tell on which end I fall.

New Outlook

cslowrey — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:51:17 +0000

Why be bogged down by thoughts? I heard a speech tonight about how the brain literally programs itself to feel the way that you think. It sounds like common sense but it goes further than that. It makes it to where you become that feeling, that feeling of sorrow, sadness, or pity. I don’t want to become that. From now on I will look back on that part of my life as a wonderful experience because that is what it was. I will also make myself realize that I do have things to look forward in my life and that was just a taste of the happiness I will experience. I should be excited for what’s ahead of me not sad for what I’m not in now.

I also need to work on myself again. I need to work on my image and care about what I look like and who I am on the inside. I do truly believe I am a wonderful person I just don’t let anyone see it. I need to work on my confidence again. I am a catch. I need to work on my security again. I am completely fine by myself, in fact, I don’t have time for anyone else so this is the perfect situation. I am going to write post it notes and tell myself that because it’s true. I am strong.

There is good hope for mom now but that is the one place I’m lacking. I think I just shun it off bc I have in the past accepted the events and have almost cut her out already but there’s hope now. If she can get this waiver then she can get the surgery and get well. There’s a lot of crap to do after that but one thing at a time. I don’t want to get too optimistic, for this isn’t not getting the Christmas present you wanted, this is losing my mother. I need to stay real and grounded because if anything happens I need to be the one that has it in control because if not, who will?

But yea, I’m going into tomorrow with a new outlook. I am excited for the future and learn from the past and am no longer angry and upset by actions that happened because all in all I wouldn’t be the person I am today if they hadn’t happened. Sometimes I think I need a therapist but I don’t have time or money for one. But I think I’m on the right track now.

Now I write my sticky notes.

Stop It.

cslowrey — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 02:56:53 +0000

Stop wondering what he’s doing, how he’s doing, who he’s dating, how that’s going. Why do you care? Why even ask, what does it matter? Will that change anything? You are doing fine you are over it so let it go. Stop it. Stop bringing the emotions back up and leave it. You’re fine until you do that crap and see that crap and read that crap. Restrain yourself and realize that you are fine and that you will find better and that you are fine by yourself. You are strong and deserve better than that. Stop wondering, stop trying, stop it. Are you addicted to this pain? Wondering if one day you will find something else around that dark alley? No, you will always get kicked down so stop it. It’s okay for him to be happy, just because you aren’t in that part of your life right now doesn’t mean that it will never come. Stop comparing. Stop worrying. Stop searching. Stop reminiscing. Stop it.

Search for you. Search for who you are as just you. After you figure that out you will deserve to share it with someone else. Clean house and figure out what matters to you. Strip your organizations and activities off and see who you’re left with. Are you happy? How do you plan on improving that person. And stop it. You’re thinking about it right now. Create a word to block it out with when you realize you’re thinking about it. Stone.

http://www.jsimms.net/images/product/SMOOTH-STONE.jpg

A smooth stone to grind out all the anger and to smooth the surface. After saying that you can’t think about it, change your thoughts to something else, for yourself. Why make yourself angry? What’s the point? Do you need therapy? It would be stupid to go to therapy for something stupid like this? Why does it still affect you. Stop it. Don’t give in you’re stronger than that. If this was a workout you’d kill it but when it comes to emotions you give up you die you suck at dealing with them when they get hard. Develop stamina and stop being a wuss. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it’s not you who should feel sorry. Someone else is missing out.

Most importantly stop questioning yourself. For the first time in your life you are questioning your beauty, your personality, your self. Stop it. You are perfectly fine and should be proud of who you are and who you are going to be. Focus on you for once and not on how other people perceive you. Stop it. You only have you in the end and if you don’t like you then who will? Remember who you once loved, not him, but yourself. Not in a bad way, but remember the confidence and stride you walked with. Don’t try to make yourself better by wearing certain clothes or certain shoes. Those don’t make you better than anyone else. Stop it. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. When you walk past people stop judging them so harshly. When you judge like that you think they are judging like that. You don’t even know them. Stop it. Stop being so negative about strangers and assuming they are stupid and conceded, they are probably nice people.

Get out. Stop sitting there. Meet people and do something and get out of this rut of remembering. Do something new. Develop a new routine and stop bringing yourself down. Stop it.

Palm Reading

cslowrey — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 17:57:16 +0000

So I went to a site and read my own palm. I’ve always wondered what my palm meant, so here it is.

A swooping semicircular line around the base of the thumb shows great strength and enthusiasm, as well as an improved love life.
This type of line extends to the middle of the palm, away from the thumb towards the base of the hand. This represents a life that consists of a lot of travelling.
A break represents a sudden change in life style, an accident or an illness.
If your Head Line and Life Line are joined at the beginning, this indicates that your strong sense of mind generally rules over your body. You also look at childhood with a cautious and fearful outlook. Separated lines show a love for adventure and an enthusiasm for life.
A slight disregard to the true meaning of love and its responsibilities are indicated by the line that starts between the middle and index finger. The person tends to easily give their heart away.
Happiness in love is shown by small lines that extend upward from the Heart Line.
If there is an extra line that branches out onto the life line, then there may be some sort of life-threatening situation in your old age.
If your Fate Line starts at the base of your palm, this indicates that your life will find its way into the public eye. You may rise from obscurity to be a politician, or an entertainer.
If a break occurs in your Fate Line at the Head Line and goes on, this indicates that you will successfully change your job in your middle years.
Starting at the Head Line running through the Heart Line, indicates hard work and success late in life. But a fork ending the line indicates that the success may be dubious in value.
A line with a fork at the start, toward the back of the hand, indicates a long engagement.
A line from the Head Line that runs to the ring finger, cutting through the Fame Line, indicates money acquired through luck and by surprise.
An independent mind is signified when your little finger stands apart from the ring finger, with a great deal of space between them.
An art related life is shown when the ring finger sticks close to the middle finger. Your fate will also aid in your success.
If your top knuckles are smooth and your middle ones are knotty, then you are a person whose intellect and practicality work well together. A strong instinctive drive is characteristic of well developed knuckles

Try it for yourself: http://www.ofesite.com/spirit/palm/lines.htm

Time

cslowrey — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 03:18:55 +0000

What is time? I sit here and fill “time” up. I do anything and everything possible to make sure that not one minute of my day is wasted. But as each minute passes another comes along and its new and untold and fresh. What you did in the last minute can still affect the new minute but this new minute still has a sense of freedom.

I see myself cram my planner with work, because I need and want the money. I see myself cram my life with school, because I need and want an education. I see myself cram my life with rowing, because for a years’ worth of commitment I get to have 7 minutes of a rush that I love. I cram my life with societies, because it looks good on a resume and I need to network to get a job and be rich. I cram my life with a side job that I actually might like because I get to work with kids again and get paid while doing it, but hey it might be fun. I sleep 7-8 hours a night, more than most people and I enjoy being on the schedule I am. That leaves me with around 2-4 hours a day to do everything else. Study, eat, do errands, have a life..

I confuse myself because there are reasons I do everything all the time. Before I pick up another shift I ask myself, what else would I be doing, “nothing” I reply, so I pick it up. Is time really that valuable, because the way I treat it I sell it to the highest bidder, whoever can do the most for me.

Tonight I think to myself, I fill my time for a reasons that I just tell myself or am I hiding from something? And if so, from what? I sit here and think I want a boy, someone to talk to me and hang out with me and to care for me, but right now I literally don’t have the time. Is that because right now I don’t have a boy and I’m bored with myself so I fill up my time? I don’t know. I am living by myself and I absolutely love it I’m not lonely that’s not the issue, I just feel like I need someone right now, through all of this shit. I need someone that cares. Not you Danielle, I know you care and I love you but you know as well as I do, it’s different, the relationship between girl-girl and girl-boy. I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s okay, to put me in my place and give me honest advice to make up for what I’m slowly losing. I’m ready to care, I have healed and am now healthy.

I think it’s like when you break your leg and once it’s healed you want to go run because you haven’t been able to in forever. At the same time, when you’re newly healed, you’re very likely to rebreak the leg. I feel like I keep spraining it, I have a lead here or there and it goes really well and then bam, nevermind, tricked ya… So I have to have mini healing sessions with myself. I just want to run, and I guess I just need to go on a long slow run instead of getting too excited and sprinting and splintering it over and over again. But the thing is that I don’t have a running partner to keep me steady or keep me company when I start getting tired or someone to tell about the pretty bird I just saw in the tree.

I need to be patient and I need to realize that I’m fine by myself that I don’t “need” anyone, so I will just run myself crazy with no time left over until then. But then when that person comes there won’t be room. Grrr…

Dear God,

Please drop me off an angel with a penis to 5100 Bruning St. Apt 104 Austin, TX 78751.

Thanks dude,

Colby Lowrey

Angry Solitude

cslowrey — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 03:22:44 +0000

As I sit here listening to laughing outside on the street, I lay in my bed thinking. I am taking inventory of what mixture of feelings I feel right now. I feel hope because something wonderful is just over the horizion. I feel lonliness because I reach out and yet no one has time to respond. I feel wonder because I see it can happen. I feel longing because I want it now. I feel confused because it might all be in my mind. I feel anger because I might have fallen for it again. I feel stupid if it is what it is and not what it’s supposed to be.

Why do people get scared? Why do people ignore what’s in front of them instead of talking about it? I am on a very fine line right now, I can go one of two ways. I want to go the wrong way because at least I’ll have company in my wrong doings. The right way is lonely and the right way leaves me with my boring self for too long. I want it, I feel like I need it, but I know that I have to wait. I have to but I just wonder how long I can take hurting lihe this. The hurt is not from the past, for I have left that behind, the hurt is for the present in more ways than one.

I want to be a normal person. I want to be able to sleep in until I naturally wake up. I want to be able to go downtown on a perfectly good Friday night, but instead I am laying in bed by myself having a pity fest on my life. I hate it when I have nights like this where I just think. I try to watch t.v. or stalk people on facebook or try to communicate with people but God gives me nights like this where nothing I seem to do gives me comfort. Why? When this happens I just want to sleep because when I sleep the pain leaves. When I sleep the dreams come, it might even be a nightmare but at least I know it’s all in my head.

I think too much. I rationalize and take stupid things personal. This I have found out is my biggest fault.

To Be Continued…

Ahh.

cslowrey — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:02:30 +0000

For the last couple of weeks I had a lot of fun but for the last couple of weeks I had no grounding. I didn’t have any consistency and whenever I thought there was something there, as soon as I started to trust it, it was pulled away. I like a schedule, I like to consistently know what is ahead and I hate having to read people’s minds.

Last Monday when I went on a run, I realized that for the first time I was glad to be away from him. That it was a good decision, I have no regrets, and I can be me and be happy without his presence. This eye opening event allowed me to assess what I wanted, not what seemed to be what I should do. Leaving the past in the past made the window squeaky clean.

With no more baggage, I made reassessed the people in my life. I reconnected with some and am cleaning house with others. I am keeping the people in my life that make me laugh, that make me a better person, and that I can trust instead of having to guess their next action.

I am very happy now and feel settled, I feel consistent, I feel grounded in the people who I have surrounded myself with. I have 3 of the best girl friends in the world, one is far far away but still right next to my heart, the other two are right beside me, giggling about boys, and “putting puppies in bicycle baskets.” (inside joke) I have the right to make my own choices now, to leave it all behind, because the hurt is gone now, for I am rejuvenated and ready to have a new outlook on the world.

It’s not bad if it’s not what you’re used to, it’s just different, and different can be a good thing. A new feel, a new touch, new inside jokes. More than one person can make my eyes smile, but to me, there’s nothing better to see those eyes smiling right back at you.

Hehe.

cslowrey — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 22:20:05 +0000

I had forgotten how much fun it was to be single. I think for the first couple of weeks after being in a relationship you have this don’t touch me bubble around you, it’s probably for your own protection so that you have time to get over the past but my bubble has definitely burst and am I enjoying the sunlight again! I love flirting, I don’t care if it’s with a five year old or an 80 year old man, I just like being promiscious. It’s fun to open up that line of interaction and see how they react to silly comments or looks. I have become more aggressive in the last couple of weeks I’d say. If I like something I don’t wait for it to come to me, I go get it.

Yesterday a really cute guy came up to me on stand and told me that he thought I was a really cute girl and that I had amazing legs. He was scared that he would come off creepy or weird but that was not the case at all. It takes some big balls to come up to a girl you’ve never spoken to and say that. I give him major props, that is what I call a turn on. To reward his valiant effort, I jotted my number down and had to chase after him as he was leaving to make sure I didn’t miss out on this chance. We’ve been talking all day and he seems really outgoing and sweet. He is super active and I’m really excited about that. I don’t know much but it’s a big positive to know that there are people out there that have the courage to do that anymore.

I also love flirting downtown. It’s like you have a little mask on and can leave everything at the door because you probably won’t ever see these people again. It’s a game to me, see it, hook it, reel it in. I like the chase and I’ve always known that but every night I go downtown it revives the longing of the game, I love it.

It’s so hot in Texas. I have really started to enjoy running but I can’t run between 7:30 am and 8:30 pm because it is over 100 degrees outside. Once I graduate I’m moving up north where I can run when I want to, except in the winter of course.. I guess there’s pluses and minuses to everything.

So I’m taking this statistics class and have taken 2 tests, made 2 A’s, and have yet to learn a thing. I take the tests based on common sense, not what I read or learned, and it has worked so far. I take another one tomorrow morning and we’ll see, the common sense thing is starting to run out. Maybe I should’ve tried a little harder, oops.

I found out I’m going to Canada again in August to row at the Canadian Henley and I’m going to be coxing a group of guys this year. I have never worked with guys before and I actually really like it. They are real and you can tell what they are thinking and doing it’s not such a mental game like it is with girls. I’m really cherishing this summer because I have a feeling it’ll be the last time I’m in an 8 for a long long while. Grrr… I hate favorites.

That brings me to another good thing. I have been working out a lot by myself and with friends, not because I’m fat or need to get in shape for rowing, I mean my physical ability has nothing to do with our performance. But I am working out for me. I like having toned legs and firm abs and I am planning on running the San Antonio Half Marathon in November if the dates fall correctly, if not, then I’ll do the Austin one. I just want to be in shape for me and maybe in the back of my mind it’ll motivate some of our team to get in better shape too. After seeing how hard and determined these guys are, it disgusts me to think f my team. We get handed everything and yet half ass everything. There are a few people that take it seriously but half of them are there because of the scholarship not because they enjoy what they are doing. I like winning and just being on a team won’t make you win. This fact makes me want to be a rower because as a rower the harder you work, the better you’ll get. As a coxswain, your success is so vulnerable, it has so many people and things that it depends on that are out of your control and it sucks. I want to just be able to work out work hard and get better. Grr..

P.S. I love living by myself. I love not having to wonder if someone is home when I come home. Not having to tell someone how my day went. Being able to be naked whenever I want to. I love it.

Some Good, Some Bad

cslowrey — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:29:03 +0000

As I sit here staring out the window on a rainy day, I ponder the last week of my life. So the past couple of days has turned my life 360. I have learned from people, learned about myself, and it’s time to write about them. I’ll start with a good and end with a good, because I believe in being positive about the world around you.

The Good

I found out I’m going to Canada again to row in the Canadian Henley, the regatta a raced at last year. The thing is that this years trip will be profoundly different, for I will be coxing guys, not girls, for the first time in my life. I have had 3 practices with them and am really excited because one thing you cannot coach is fight and these guys have fight. I know you probably don’t know the meaning of what I am about to say but just go with it. To day we were racing a 1000m piece, about 3 minutes long. About the 650m mark we caught a crab (where an oar gets stuck in the water against the side of the boat, causing the boat to suddenly stop), we were a boatlength ahead at the time of the crab and when we picked it back up were 6 seats down off the the boat beside us. Most crews, seeing as we had about 300m left in the race and were so far down would have just rowed the piece out and been okay with the loss. But these guys weren’t gonna let that happen, they picked it back up with 120% and not only won the piece, but won it with a 6 seat advantage in 300m. That’s the kind of fight I wish my girls at Texas had. Sadly to say, I don’t think I could pick 8 girls that would sacrafice all like that just for a practice piece. That’s why I like rowing in the summers, it makes me realize why I love the sport, why I wake up at the crack of dawn, because the feeling of coming back the feeling of utter immasculation of the other team is awwwesome. Lets just say I’m excited to work with these guys and I don’t care if we win or not, if they give me that much of their heart, I’ll pour mine right back at em, with a few new cuss words added in of course…

The Bad

So I have been living very meagerly for this entire summer, only buying what I have to, eating in, and saving my money. I was right on track to have all August bills paid for, and have some to save into the school year. But something always comes up to ruin that. This time my insurance company decided not to take out last month’s portion so they’re taking it out double this month and I don’t know what day. The problem with that is that I also have rent, water, and another insurance premium of my new insurance company since these guys keeping upping my premium. I would cancel this months payment but the new insurance hasn’t approved me yet, but to apply you have to pay the premium, but once you are approved it goes towards your first month’s premium, so in the long run, it’ll sort of save me a month of insurance payment. Everything just snowballs at once, literally when it rains, it pours. Thanks to this crap I have $4 to last me till we get paid, which will probably be Monday. Thank goodness I have a paid down credit card in case I need anything…

The Good

My good friend and ex came to visit this weekend, I think it went pretty well. We are really good friends now and for the first time we did not show any sexual tension or attachment to each other both publicly or privately. We slept in the same bed and did not look touch, or get near each other. It is possible to move on, because I have absolutely no feelings for him as a boyfriend anymore and it’s so nice. This was a true test and I passed with flying colors. According to his facebook status, “Never in my life did I feel more alone than when you stood there, close enough that I could reach out and touch you but far enough to know that I never could.” Maybe he had a harder time than I did, but I am a okay. Woo!

The Bad

Then there’s this other guy, he’s so sweet, so nice, really a gentleman. The thing is that I don’t feel like we have chemistry. I like hanging out with him, he makes me laugh, he gets me ice cream, but I just don’t see much in our future, and it’s not his fault. The problem is that I can’t get up the guts to tell him. I have been hinting the past couple of dates but I just can’t hurt him, he’s too nice, and has done nothing wrong. I also feel that if I told him he wouldn’t want to hang out anymore which would suck because I have fun with him. Grr… I need to grow some balls.

The Good

With the death of Michael Jackson, along with half of the world, I downloaded the Essentials of Michael Jackson, all of his greatest hits. Many of them I knew very well or was familiar with. One song, his most famous song, I had never even heard of though, “Man in the Mirror.” I LOVE THIS SONG. Not only does it have an awesome beat, but the meaning is also awesome. The change has to start with you. For the past couple of days I have tried to figure out what I would want to change about me to become a better person. The first couple of days I realized that I am extremely happy with who I am right now. I am who I want to be, I don’t want to change anything. I felt bad about saying that though because it’s almost like an art project, if I’m done at the age of 20, what do I have to look forward to? So I started to delve deeper to find out what I did want to change, even little things.

1. Concerning myself, I don’t want to take things so personally.

2. I want to exercise my creativeness more often, sometimes I feel like I’m losing it.

3. I want to learn how to have fun with myself again.

4. I want to listen to others more.

5. I want to learn how to remember peoples names.

Those are my 5 little things for the rest of 2009 that I want to work on. With the first half of the year ending today, my 2nd half of the year resolutions are set. I think I’m going to do something creative to write them down and post them up somewhere so I see them everyday I wake up.

Have a wonderful rainy day! And i mean that, I love the rain. And on the bright side, at least it’s not 104 today.

Man In The Mirror lyrics

Ooh ooh ooh aah
Gotta make a change
For once in my life
It’s gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right

As I turned up the collar on
A favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin’ my mind
I see the kids in the street
With not enough to eat
Who am I to be blind
Pretending not to see their needs

A summer’s disregard
A broken bottle top
And a one man’s soul
They follow each other
On the wind ya’ know
‘Cause they got nowhere to go
That’s why I want you to know

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change, yey
Na na na, na na na, na na na na oh ho

I’ve been a victim of
A selfish kinda love
It’s time that I realize
There are some with no home
Not a nickel to loan
Could it be really pretending that they’re not alone

A willow deeply scarred
Somebody’s broken heart
And a washed out dream
(Washed out dream)
They follow the pattern of the wind ya’ see
‘Cause they got no place to be
That’s why I’m starting with me

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
(Man in the mirror, oh yeah)
I’m asking him to change his ways, yeah
(Change)
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make the change
You gotta get it right, while you got the time
‘Cause when you close your heart
(You can’t close your, your mind)
Then you close your mind

(That man, that man, that man)
(That man, that man, that man)
(With the man in the mirror, oh yeah)
(That man you know, that man you know)
(That man you know, that man you know)
I’m asking him to change his ways
(Change)
No message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself then make that change

(Na na na, na na na, na na na na)
Ooh
Oh yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
(Na na na, na na na, na na na na)

Oh no
Oh no, I’m gonna make a change
It’s gonna feel real good
Sure mon
(Change)
Just lift yourself
You know, you got to stop it yourself
(Yeah)
Oh
Make that change
(I gotta make that change today, oh)
(Man in the mirror)
You got to, you got to not let yourself, brother oh
Yeah
You know that
(Make that change)
(I gotta make that make me then make)
You got, you got to move
Sure mon, sure mon
You got to
(Stand up, stand up, stand up)
Make that change
Stand up and lift yourself, now
(Man in the mirror)
Make that change
(Gonna make that change, sure mon)
(Man in the mirror)
You know it, you know it, you know it, you know
(Change)
Make that change