As I sit here listening to laughing outside on the street, I lay in my bed thinking. I am taking inventory of what mixture of feelings I feel right now. I feel hope because something wonderful is just over the horizion. I feel lonliness because I reach out and yet no one has time to respond. I feel wonder because I see it can happen. I feel longing because I want it now. I feel confused because it might all be in my mind. I feel anger because I might have fallen for it again. I feel stupid if it is what it is and not what it’s supposed to be.
Why do people get scared? Why do people ignore what’s in front of them instead of talking about it? I am on a very fine line right now, I can go one of two ways. I want to go the wrong way because at least I’ll have company in my wrong doings. The right way is lonely and the right way leaves me with my boring self for too long. I want it, I feel like I need it, but I know that I have to wait. I have to but I just wonder how long I can take hurting lihe this. The hurt is not from the past, for I have left that behind, the hurt is for the present in more ways than one.
I want to be a normal person. I want to be able to sleep in until I naturally wake up. I want to be able to go downtown on a perfectly good Friday night, but instead I am laying in bed by myself having a pity fest on my life. I hate it when I have nights like this where I just think. I try to watch t.v. or stalk people on facebook or try to communicate with people but God gives me nights like this where nothing I seem to do gives me comfort. Why? When this happens I just want to sleep because when I sleep the pain leaves. When I sleep the dreams come, it might even be a nightmare but at least I know it’s all in my head.
I think too much. I rationalize and take stupid things personal. This I have found out is my biggest fault.
To Be Continued…
